Column: Ridgefield’s glowing future

I feel warm and tingly all over as I announce the official groundbreaking for Ridgefield’s very first nuclear reprocessing facility.

Construction will soon begin on the old Schlumberger property, back in the corner where they found all the bodies last year. Very soon Warm Glow Inc., doing business as Rads ’r’ Us, will be processing spent fuel rods from some of New England’s finer nuclear plants.

We have received final approval from the Zoning Board of Appeals, the Appeals Board of Zoning, the Board of Appeals Zoning, the Ridgefield Nuclear Hazards Social Club, and a guy named Bob, who sleeps in the attic at Town Hall, back in the corner where Rudy stores his jousting helmets.

The Town Fathers granted their final approval after we resolved the last issue, the thing about the goats.

For the big day, we plan to invite Rudy Marconi, Rudy Ruggles, Rudy Giuliani, Rudolph the Holy Roman Emperor, and Bob. I’m hoping they’ll stick around and do some more digging. You know how much a backhoe costs?

We’ll need some gold shovels. If you have a spare, I’ll pick up the gold paint. Does Ridgefield Hardware let you return half-finished cans? We also need some of that big red tape and some oversized scissors. Check your garage.

What pushed approval over the top was our agreement to include affordable housing. We’ll put these lucky people back in the corner by the settling pond. It should be quiet back there.

Neighbors were concerned about privacy. You know those rows of fir trees people plant in which one always goes brown? We’ll have one of those. I know they work, because Goodwyfe planted a row down the middle of our bed. I dream a lot about porcupines.

Parking also came up. So did my lunch. We’ll have a variety of parking: diagonal, parallel, equilateral. For those of you who are always opening the door in a parking lot and stepping into a deep puddle, we’ll have some of those.

Some have fretted about the sound of giant 18-wheelers rumbling through our picturesque, charming, bucolic, New Englandly-like town in the middle of the night. Not to worry. Our friendly driver, Bob, will unload the fiery hot rods at Tom Nash’s estate.

From there we will ferry them to the facility using drones. I’ve been assured by the seller that these are carefully inspected, certified pre-owned drones that failed their first owners for mysterious reasons unlikely to occur again.

Traffic congestion, you ask. Really? You can get through Ridgefield now?

We were at first concerned about town plans to make the new Danbury Road bridge a one-lane covered structure to attract tourists, with a pull-over area for them to park and snap selfies and purchase local crafts and jellies. Think drones!

We will offer a number of public services for a nominal charge. Pet dipping: Say goodbye to ticks! Bring your kids to swim: Say goodbye to lice pandemics. On a cold winter night, gather in the main building by the rods with fellow townspeople and stay warm! For a nominal fee we’ll offer hot cocoa, back in the corner where we’ll keep the rusty 55-gallon drums, which you’re welcome to sit on.

So put the ground breaking on your calendar today. Plan to bring some cupcakes and little flags for your kids. Bring some extra, if you don’t mind, to share with the group.

Don’t forget our motto: Making Ridgefield Glow Again! #MRGA!