Wishing the fanny pack would make a comeback

I’m going to make a radical statement I’ll regret, a statement that will cause outrage among readers of all political affiliations, which is not difficult to do in America, where everyone is looking for a reason to be outraged.

Activists will terrorize me on Twitter and impale me on Instagram. I’ll be accused of being a fascist, a leftist, a capitalist, a socialist and any other “ist” you can think of.

Nevertheless, this is something that must be said, given the times in which we live: Men and women of good conscience must take action ... and bring back the fanny pack. You read that correctly, I am advocating the return of the much-maligned and much-ridiculed fanny pack. Bring it back now, preferably during New York Fashion Week, before our elected officials move to ban them or put excessive tariffs on fanny packs made in China.

Fanny packs, which were in vogue during the 1980s and 1990s, fell into disfavor. Over the years, I’ve owned one or two or 22 of them, but never got to wear them very long because they were denounced by the Powers That Be in the fashion industry, which prompted my wife and daughters, who follow the herd, to deposit them in a Goodwill collection bin when I wasn’t looking, so that some lucky guy could buy one for next to nothing. This is known as the trickle down theory of economics.

Unfortunately, fanny packs were associated with subversive bourgeoise thinking and condemned by the cultural elitists. Things would have been different if Meryl Streep and Alec Baldwin embraced the fanny pack. And can you imagine the effect on the U.S. economy if Warren Buffett and Jamie Dimon wore them in the executive suite or at the World Economic Forum?

I prefer a Made in America fanny pack and would never wear one manufactured in China. Or even better, give me an over-priced Gucci, Prada or Louis Vuitton — the kind the Kardashians and Rihanna wear. (Are they made in China?)

My hero Thomas Jefferson once said, “I cannot live without books!” My motto is “I cannot live without a fanny pack!” It’s a social necessity, when you consider the accoutrements I carry — a wallet, a cell phone, reading glasses, sunglasses, sunscreen, hand sanitizer, a pad, a pen and spearmint Tic Tacs. Where else can I store all that stuff when I’m out and about? In the trunk of my car? Or should I invest in a pair of cargo pants, a backpack or a Tumi duffel bag with wheels? No, a fanny pack is the practical solution.

Fanny packs have been around since the ice age. Native Americans used a precursor to the fanny pack called the buffalo pouch, which was worn across the chest. Before the invention of pockets, medieval Europeans wore belt pouches, and many cultures relied on bags attached to straps to carry their valuables or stolen goods.

I want to make it clear I’m not advocating that the fanny pack have a Betsy Ross flag on it, so Nike need not worry. That would be too patriotic in an era when patriotism is unAmerican. Furthermore, I do not recommend MAGA fanny packs, which could provoke rioting and emotional meltdowns on college campuses. And I certainly would NOT wear my fanny pack during Fashion Week because they might lock me up with El Chapo for violating prohibitions established by Anna Wintour, Supreme Fashion Goddess.

However, at the risk of being sued, indicted or investigated by the FBI, I must say publicly that fanny packs should be a constitutionally guaranteed right. Join me in a protest outside the Capitol, and we’ll chant, “BRING BACK THE FANNY PACK!”

If political leaders and celebrities started wearing them, the rest of us lemmings would follow their example. Fanny packs could unite this country again. Think of the spirit of bipartisan cooperation that would develop if, say, President Trump and Nancy Pelosi showed up on the Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon, wearing fanny packs! It would herald the start of a brave new world.

Joe Pisani can be reached at joefpisani@yahoo.com.