Did I Say That?: Joe Pisani consults Victoria on her fitness secrets
I never listen to the advice of celebrities when it comes to marriage, morality, politics, plastic surgery, pet care and my favorite topic, hair care. But every so often an old dog can learn a new trick, so on the hunch I might learn something, I did a little research, hoping to solve a growing problem I have. And I mean “growing.”
I’ve been putting on pounds, here and there but more here than there, largely because Halloween has passed and Thanksgiving and Christmas are approaching, and we’ve entered the Bermuda Triangle of overconsumption. Plus, my allergies are out of control so I’ve been popping antihistamines, which give me an intense craving for sweets.
I ate so much Halloween candy that we didn’t have enough, and I had to give the kids hard-boiled eggs. When they were gone, I started handing out pepperoni. Fortunately, I didn’t have to tap into the Metamucil, or things would have gone south really fast.
All that sugar consumption got me in trouble. One morning I woke up to discover my pants were too tight ... and they were the pants with an elastic waistband.
It was time for some personal rehabilitation, and no one knows more about rehab than a celebrity — any kind of rehab, any kind of celebrity. After reading several stories that said Adele, Kelly Osbourne and Rebel Wilson lost so many pounds you wouldn’t recognize them, I became committed to this cause. If they could do it, so could I.
There had to be a celebrity-endorsed plan for a healthier, slimmer me, and I knew just who had the secret — the Victoria’s Secret models.
Now, before you start accusing me of being a wise a*&, let me confess that over the years, I’ve learned a lot from observing Victoria’s Secret models ... and I’m not talking about their catalog.
They are masters — or mistresses or whatever the politically correct term is — of weight reduction. Because of them, I became a matcha tea addict. In the days when you could still walk around Manhattan, I’d go to matcha bars that supermodels patronized. Drinking matcha has countless health benefits, so you should start doing it immediately, or once you finish reading this column.
As luck would have it, I discovered how one famous Victoria’s Secret model got in shape. An article in Marie Claire titled, “Gisele Bündchen’s Exact Diet and Exercise Routine” had everything I needed to know. Gisele (pronounced “Rachel”) is the wife of quarterback Tom Brady, and someone should tell Marie Claire that he no longer works for the New England Patriots.
Considered the healthiest supermodel on this planet and any other, Gisele must know something because there were 15,000 stories about her diet on the Internet and a ton of photos, including one in a bikini made of ostrich feathers. Or maybe they were parakeet feathers. Whatever they were, she better not wear that bikini in the water.
Lesson one: Her diet is plant-based. Absolutely no chili dogs, Slim Jims or Jujyfruits. She eats real fruit, vegetables, whole grains and washes it down with coconut water.
Lesson Two: She no longer smokes, drinks booze or eats cheeseburgers, and she has “a natural healthy glow,” which her 15 million Instagram followers envy. With that many followers, she could run for vice president and give beauty tips to the Washington press corps, who could use them.
Lesson Three: She meditates, kick-boxes and does yoga. We’re kindred spirits since I know two yoga poses I learned on YouTube. I was so inspired that I decided to spend part of my wife’s Social Security check to buy Gisele’s autobiography, “Lessons: My Path to a Meaningful Life.”
Unfortunately, Victoria’s Secret is tottering on bankruptcy, and pretty soon there will be fewer supermodels. They’ll be unemployed and looking for work at matcha bars. They’ll have to reinvent themselves, so I encourage them to pursue new careers as fitness gurus for the geezer generation. The opportunities are lucrative because there are billions of retirement dollars just waiting to be spent on whole grains and bikinis.
Joe Pisani can be reached at email@example.com.